Learn why youth sports have become the biggest contributing factor in a narcissism epidemic. Also, let’s discuss how to do youth sports the right way – reap the benefits and avoid this negative reaction.
The 90’s movies had it right.
The bully quarterback picking on kids at school. Later, the screen pans to his backyard where his angry dad is making him throw routes in the backyard – during a rain storm – until the blisters on his hands are bleeding.
The problem is – in the movies there was one school sports “star”. But now it seems like this scenario (though overexaggerated in true 90’s fashion) is way more common.
We are living in an age of entitlement. And there’s ample evidence to suggest that we’re living in a culture of escalating narcissism.
Ironically, while many parents are enrolling their kids in youth sports to actually battle this, it seems to have the opposite effect.
Don’t get me wrong, sports are great for kids. All three of my kids are deep in the world of sports.
It provides exercise, socialization, and most importantly a safe level of controlled adversity. Sports teach kids about hard work and dealing with loss. Awesome.
Unfortunately, our millennial-parent-type-A personalities mixed in with social media obsession are squashing all of these benefits and churning out little narcissists.
Before we talk about how to control this epidemic, it’s important to first understand what causes narcissism in the first place.
What Causes Narcissism?
Narcissism, is characterized by an inflated sense of self-importance, an excessive need for admiration, a lack of empathy, and a pattern of self-centered behavior.
When it comes to narcissism, experts believe that you aren’t born with this trait, it actually develops as you grow (nurture, not nature).
Interestingly, these experts were able to pinpoint exactly the two specific parenting mistakes that lead to narcissistic kids: overindulging AND underindulging.
Let me explain.
Parents who raise narcissist kids overindulge their children when it comes to focusing on achievements, outcomes, and materialistic elements – and underindulge them when it comes to warmth, love, and empathy.
By now, I am sure you can see why youth sports – when done incorrectly – are the perfect formula for a narcissism epidemic.
Youth sports give parents an outlet to hyperfocus on achievements and outcomes while warmth and compassion are often neglected.
The 3 Reasons Why Youth Sports Are Causing a Narcissism Epidemic
This sports-driven narcissism is not entirely the fault of the parents.
We were tossed like a deer in the headlights into this year-round world of modern sports. Most of us are left stunned and blinking as we are going crazy and broke just to keep up with it all.
These are 3 traps and problems parents are falling into that can lead to an obsession with sports-centered life and the development of narcissistic behaviors.
1) There is a Social Media Crisis
Social media is one of the top contributors to the narcissism epidemic and most of us are guilty of participating in the problem.
Jonny got a first place trophy, Bobby’s team won a tournament – and both of their parents posted pictures of it on Facebook within seconds of when those trophies touched the kids’ fingertips.
You, as a parent, know your kid is just as great and worthy as Jonny and Bobby. Therefore, you subconsciously think that posting your kid’s successes on social media is top priority. And the cycle continues…
Parents will even go to extremes – only posting wins or joining expensive teams – with social media posts in the forefront of their brains. The parents start to feel like celebrities themselves every time they hit “post”.
Related: How to Raise Kids who Aren’t Afraid of Failure
2) Travel Sports Become the Center of Family Life
My kid never approached me and said, “Mom, I don’t think the local 9 year olds are enough competition. Let’s take this show on the road.”
Yet, here we are. Afraid to fall behind. Enrolled in travel sports. Gone every weeknight and weekend.
Travel sports used to be reserved for only the best of the best. But now, if parents are willing to pay (which most are) then kids can join a travel team no matter the skill level.
Traveling for sports is longer an exception – it is the norm.
Due to the cost and time commitments required to be on a travel team, it becomes a family lifestyle – where sports are the center of all family time.
Also read: 6 Ways Parents are Ruining Sports
3) Parents are Making the Kid’s Goals
It’s nice to dream big. If it is the kid’s dream and not the parent’s.
We all know the parents who talk about what college they aspire little Sarah to attend, while little Sarah is digging in the infield sand and thinking about getting ice cream after her game.
A big part of developing narcissistic behavior is having a parent obsessed with outcomes and achievements.
Not only are many modern parents hyperfixated on end goals and results, but often these goals aren’t even the kid’s goal!
When it is the parent appointing the child’s sports-related goals, then they are too emotionally invested. The kid learns that to make their parent happy, they must find a way to succeed.
5 Easy Ways Avoid a Narcissism Epidemic Caused from Youth Sports
Most of us want to raise resilient, strong yet compassionate kids.
While youth sports can be an excellent way to teach all of these life lessons and more – we are walking on a thin line.
On one side of that line is a child who succeeds, but is entitled and self-centered.
However, on the other side of that line is a child who still succeeds, but is compassionate, strong and confident.
Luckily, raising that second type of a child requires these 5 super simple solutions that everyone can start.
1) Find Family Balance
The best way to avoid raising a child who feels that their love depends on their actions is to have balance in life.
Kids need time with friends, quality time with the family, and other non-sport hobbies.
They can still work hard at the sport they love while making time to be a kid.
We need to remind our kids and show them that they are so much more than the activities they participate in.
You may also like: 11 Ways We are Raising the Weakest Generation
2) Car Rides Home Shouldn’t be Scary
No matter how bad a game or event went, bite your tongue on the ride home.
Children should never be afraid to ride home for fear of getting yelled at.
You can eventually coach them through what went wrong or how to improve. But FIRST talk to them about something unrelated and wait for things to cool down.
Make sure they feel valued as a person so that they don’t develop narcissistic behaviors down the line.
3) Open Communication is Key
Your kid has to feel comfortable talking to you about their sport.
Do they like it? Do they want to sign up for another season? What are their goals?
If they aren’t part of these conversations or asked to speak openly then they will feel that their opinion on it doesn’t matter.
Learn how to respond when you kid wants to quit a sport here!
4) Focus on More than Awards
Maybe your kid didn’t come in first place, but they worked hard and showed great improvement.
Or maybe they did come in first place but displayed exceptional sportsmanship.
Try to connect with them on something outside of statistics and scores. Talk up how you saw them cheer on a teammate or help a kid up that fell.
5) Show Love and Acceptance for ALL Emotions
Lastly, it is crucial that your kid feels that your love for them has nothing to do with their performance.
As mentioned earlier, a lack of parental warmth is a root cause of narcissistic behavior in children.
Tell them you love them. And allow them to feel comfortable expressing emotions to you – good AND bad.
Also, check your body language. Continual research shows that body language counts for a whopping 55 percent of what is absorbed while 38 percent is tone of voice. Only 7 percent is the actual words that are spoken.
Final Thoughts on the Narcissism Epidemic in Youth Sports
We learned that narcissism is the outcome of a child who is overindulged in material items and rewards and underindulged in warmth and real connection.
When youth sports get out of hand – which they so often do these days – it becomes easy to accidently focus too much on the outcomes and not on the real child that needs you.
As a parent, it is crucial that you pull sports and activities off the pedestal. It’s time to step out of those 90’s movies and into a future of love and acceptance.
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