You feel more like a ticking time-bomb than a mother.
You seem to lose it over small things that never really bothered you before. Your outbursts feel unpredictable, even to you.
Maybe, just maybe, it is because your life, which already seemed slightly chaotic, was just turned upside down. It is virtually impossible for one to feel stable when faced but this magnitude of sudden change.
You feel more like a 2 year-old than a mother.
Your emotional state seems as predictable as a toddler who skipped a nap.
One minute you seem to be accepting and enjoying your new life, and the next minute you have tears streaming down your face.
Hear me out. This could be because your mom mental load increased by a thousand percent. You are not thinking of things like “what college will my kid go to?”, “will my kid make the baseball team?”, and “will my kid like kindergarten?” No, those concerns seem cute to you now. You are thinking “will all this still exist, and what will it look like when this is all over?”
You feel more like a crouching lioness than a mother.
You are in mommy defense mode – ready to pounce the minute something seems off or the toilet paper runs low.
This could be because this happened so suddenly – this enormous, earth-shattering life change, that your internal defenses have you constantly looking around the corner. Something as simple as running out of milk has you worried if you will be able to get more.
You feel more like a punching bag than a mom.
Everyone seems to take out all of their frustration on you. You have to brace and take it.
You know that your family is feeling the stress of this all. Your kids are confused, scared, and unsure. You try to absorb as much of their anxiety by holding back your own feelings, as they release their tension on you.
You feel more like an actress than a mom.
Maybe one minute you are playing the part of your kid’s teacher, the next minute you are working, then you are back into mom mode. Whatever your scenario is, you have no doubt excepted way more “mom hats” than you ever imagined. You were never trained to wear this many hats, so you are faking it as you go.
You try to act normal as you strap on your homemade facemask and plastic gloves and venture out into the weird world that used to be just a trip to the grocery store.
You feel like you are failing. You have turned to your vices for relief. You wonder if you are providing for your kids enough socially, financially, emotionally – all while falling apart a little yourself.
This all could be, just maybe, because we are in a global pandemic. Say that outloud. That sounds scary because it is. All of your outbursts are all valid. Your stress is valid. And you freaking bet that your confusion and feeling of instability is valid.
Everyone, and I mean ev-er-y-one feels exactly how you feel right now.
We are minnows thrown into infested waters- but instead of being surrounded by sharks, we are circled by unanswered questions, a foggy tomorrow, and instability for our kids.
To a mom, that is scarier than sharks.
So, if you are waiting to see if you are justified or crazy for feeling like a ticking time-bomb/baby/angry lioness/punching bag/actress, you are most certainly, without a doubt, ridiculously justified.
You are not broken. You are bent, and you will be stronger after.
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