Your kid lies? It’s normal! Try these simple steps to raise honest and honorable kids next time you catch your kid in a lie and to prevent it.
Kids are rock-stars at lying because it comes natural to them. As natural as breathing.
You may be nodding your head agreeably as you recall your kid’s most recent lies, or you may be thinking, “hey, not my kid!”
Regardless, this is not an empty opinion from a stressed out mom. It is actually confirmed in several studies.
Michael Lewis, a prominent psychologist at Rutgers, conducted several studies, showing that children are actually wired to deceive if it benefits them, avoids negative consequences, or protect their confidence.
In one study, an adult showed a child a present and advised them not to peek. 35% of the studied 6-year-old kids peeked at the present, and 100% of the peekers lied about it when the adult returned.
If you think of it, it is part of their biological survivor- mode. Little Cave-boy Joe and Cave-girl Sally would lie about sneaking extra rations of meat so that they can still get their evening berries.
Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire
Recently, my second-grader was caught in a lie.
Basically, a classmate caught him cheating on a test and told the teacher.
He denied cheating to his teacher and to me. Although there is no proof and he is typically a very honest and honorable boy, my gut told me (based on his body language) that he did cheat.
This was new territory for me, so I wanted to make sure to approach this situation the right way.
Yeah, it was just a spelling test, but was it his “gateway” lie? Was this the beginning to my sweet son’s criminal career?
Time for this nerdy, data-obsessed pharmacist to do what I do best – research.
What to do When Your Kid’s Lie
I want my child to understand the importance of honesty, and what it really means to keep their word.
As mentioned earlier, it is normal for kids to lie; however, as parents, we can teach our kids how to be honorable and actually wire them for honesty.
Dr. William Klemm, an author and a senior professor of Neuroscience at Texas A&M University, believes that children are naturally dishonorable. He suggests that parents must teach their kids the meaning of honesty.
These 5 tried and true tips will help you raise an honest child that will grow into an honorable adult.
1) Approach with Caution and Love
Of course are are upset that you caught your child in a lie. But if you want to raise a kid who comes to you with problems instead of hides from you, you must remain calm.
There are simple ways to make sure you have welcoming body language and ask unjudgmental questions. Make sure your on your child’s level, making eye contact, and not avoiding physical touch.
If you show anger, your child will coil up and shut down to the conversation.
These positive parenting tips are especially useful for disciplining sensitive kids.
2) Question Poor Behavior
In addition to helping your child understand good deeds, it is important for them to understand what it means to do something wrong.
If your child is simply scolded for bad behavior, they may never truly understand why it is wrong. With that lack of emotional understanding, lying to avoid future conflict is expected.
Help your child understand poor behavior by questioning it. If your child cheats on their test, don’t only punish them. Ask them questions to help guide them through realizing the negative outcomes, such as:
- Is it fair to your other classmates that you cheated?
- What do you think your teacher thinks about you cheating on the test?
- What did you gain from cheating?
Click here for more tips on raising argumentative, defiant, or strong willed kids.
3) Set a Good Example
Recently, I was reviewing my Target receipt as I sat in the parking lot. I realized that I wasn’t charged for an expensive item.
Did I want to do a little celebration dance and drive away? Well, sure, but that’s not exactly honorable behavior.
If we want our children to be honest, we have to set a good example. I explained to my kids in the car that even though I did nothing wrong and no one knew about this missed charge, the right thing to do was go back into the store and pay for it.
This kindness calendar or these 20 Random acts of kindness is a great starting place.
- Another parent recently told me that their boy scout was advised to start a “Good Deed Chart“.
- Everyday, the children had to do one good deed for someone else, and describe it on their chart.
- Watching that list grow, makes children visualize what it means to do good things for other people. It gives them a sense of “right”.
4) Keep it Real
For me, a big part of setting a good example is keeping it real with my children.
They don’t benefit from my sheltering them from difficult situations and real issues.
Try to openly talk to your kids about emotions and conflict going on around them. Did they feel the need to lie because you are parenting too strict? You will only know if you ask.
If they witness an argument, maybe between you and your husband, explain to them that people sometimes have different views but it is important to listen to each other.
As long as it is mild, allowing children to see how grown-ups work through conflict or difficult emotions can be a teaching moment.
5) Teach Them to Accept Consequences
Kids naturally want to avoid dealing with negative consequences to their actions.
Last year, my daughter threw a toy at her friend, and her friend left crying. I had her write a “sorry” letter and give it to her friend. She was humiliated, but I guarantee there won’t be toys flying out of her hand in the near future.
Even though it was a silly argument, which I usually try to stay out of, it was a good opportunity to show her that she has to accept responsibility for her actions.
Related: Teach kids about emotional regulation with these great tips
Final Thoughts on Kid Lies
If your child has lied or has tried to deceive you, it is important to remember that it is normal childhood behavior.
As a parent, it is your job to teach them right from wrong. Guide them away from lies and towards a place where they can openly speak the truth and understand what it means to be an honorable human.
Their future self will thank you for taking the extra time to teach this important life lesson.
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Saturday 13th of February 2021
Honesty is critical to survival: my parents grew up in a hot/ cold marriage with affairs and never facing the truth no matter what. I became an addict (lying to myself / others became second nature) I still don't even realize I do it or the destructive effect it has. Please parents; teach by your behaviour. Blessed be.
Monday 4th of May 2020
These are some great tip on how to raise honest kids. I guess, as a parent we need to be a good examples for them and tell them that liar is a bad behavior that we should not do.
Saturday 25th of April 2020
This is such a thoughtful post. I have a cousin who is a new mommy and she should read this. Thanks for sharing this!