If we want to preserve family sanity and keep sports fun, we need to all stop trying to keep up with the Joneses in youth sports. Sports have so many amazing benefits – BUT many modern parents are finding themselves craving a slow down and quality time with family. Let’s discuss how to find balance and focus on restoring quality family time.
Our activity calendar is a game of Tetris, and it’s almost full.
Our garage looks like the storage room at Dick’s sporting goods.
And my kids’ college funds are currently being spent on bats and private lessons.
Don’t get me wrong -there is nothing I’d rather do than watch my kids do what they love, but when did sports become a full time job for kids and parents?
Also read: 5 Extraordinary Benefits of Sports of Girls
I am not here to try to convince you to pull your kids from sports or to do less things they love.
However, I am just here to tell you that if you feel like a a chicken running around -with her Bogg bag, Stanley, and sports tent- with her head cut off, that is normal.
And more importantly, I am here to tell you that it is okay to stop trying to keep up with the Joneses!
The “Joneses” are Burnt Out too!
After about 8 years and 3 kids in travel/year-round sports, I had an epiphany about the current landscape of youth sports:
Everyone is trying to keep up with the ultra-intense sports families – but those families actually only make up about 1% of the parents out there.
*This stat is determined from my unofficial survey of basically every other parent I know complaining with every breath about feeling overwhelmed by their activity schedule.
These 1% are setting the standard for everyone else.
Basically, they are raising ‘All-Star Adam’. The kid who is doing year-round camps, privates, and elite teams at age 7 (and posting it all over Facebook of course).
All other parents then feel like they have to follow suit because if they don’t then they may not make the travel team at age 9. And if they aren’t traveling out of state for better competition at age 9 then how will they make the middle school team? And if they don’t make the middle school team there is no way he will make the high school team.
That top intense 1% of parents have created a domino effect of families hanging on by a thread – just trying to not “fall behind”.
In fact, the majority of families are on the brink of burn out trying to keep up- complaining to everyone how busy they are and absolutely craving family time and a slow down in life.
Related: The Scary Line Between Sports and Narcissism
Resisting the Urge to Keep up with the Joneses
We put our kids in sports for the right reasons. We want them to be active, learn skills, make friends, and find things that they love. Sports also teach kids to value hard work, manage time, lose graciously, and work as a team.
I love sports for my kids. But, in the process of trying to keep up with the Joneses, we have sacrificed quality family time in major ways.
I want more weekends at the pool, family dinners that aren’t gobbled down at 3:45 pm before racing to a practice, fishing and movie nights.
I want to go on family bike rides with the bikes rusting in our garage that we never found time to use.
My kids have all expressed that they feel the same way too.
And it would be nice to do these things before my kids are 30 years old and have families of their own.
Unfortunately, that hasn’t been possible. With 3 kids in travel/year-round sports we are rarely even home together let alone in the same city.
Also Read: 6 Ways Parents are Ruining Youth Sports
Make Sports Fun Again, and Family Time a Focal Point
If you are also craving some quality family time and feeling like “busy” has become an unwanted part of your identity, consider this your intervention.
First, repeat after me: “I don’t have to keep up with anyone. All that matters is my kid’s happiness. We don’t have to impress anybody.”
Good job. Now, follow these 6 steps:
1) Acknowledge that Sports are NOT Part of Your Child’s Identity
Sports are loaded with benefits. They are a lot of great things.
But they are NOT your child’s identity. Some signs that your child’s identity is being built around their sport are:
- If someone asks you to describe your child and you start with “he’s a great basketball player”
- Your feelings would be personally hurt if your child decided to quit their sport
- You get amped up to talk about your kid’s sport details to people who clearly don’t care
Your child has a beautiful, unique personality. Try focusing on activities and strengths outside of sports. It may be more work than dropping them off at practice, but I promise it’s worthwhile.
2) Let Your Kids Set the Pace
Let your kids actually make sports-related decisions. This one can be tricky because I hear a lot of parents say “I asked my son if he wanted to do the 8 hour clinic and he said Yes!”
Well, there is a good chance he is scared to see the disappointed look in your face if he is honest.
Read between the lines. When you tell them they have practice that night do they said “YES!” or “Ugh, Ok”?
Are they disappointed to be called in from playing with friends to get ready for practice? Do they look upset if they miss birthday parties for games?
This pace will vary between siblings too. Just because older sister was all in, doesn’t mean younger sister will be.
Take some time to talk to them. Make sure they know that you love them no matter what they decide, and see if they want more or less commitment.
3) Make Rules to Limit the Number of Activities
Your kid doesn’t have to be in 3 spring sports. It is okay to tell them they have to chose.
If your child wanted cake, ice cream AND pie for dessert, you would probably tell them it’s best to chose. You are the adult here.
I promise you that they are not deprived if you limit the number of activities they do. No matter what our culture has conditioned you to think, your child will survive having a night off and not changing in the car as you are running from flag football to hockey.
My older son decided this year to play less baseball and focus on what he is passionate about – wrestling.
Every family’s limit is different.
4) Find Like-Minded Teams
It is crucial that you find teams or groups that align with you and your child’s goals, commitment level, and intensity.
Some teams like to travel frequently and train intensely in the off season. Others value balance and breaks.
Also, depending on your child’s age they may be ready for more commitment. A middle school-aged kid may be ready for practice 6 days a week while a 9 year old may break under that schedule. You can always change the intensity as your kid gets older and more mature.
Keep looking until you find a team or pace that fits your family best.
5) Stop Dissing Rec (Community level) Teams
Contrary to what our current culture tells us, sports are allowed to be for fun.
Community level (or recreational) sports offer a great way to introduce kids to sports, spend time with the community, and have fun.
Unfortunately, we may all be witnessing the death of community sports. If everyone jumps ship for the fancier teams, then these programs won’t exist for the rest of the community.
Less kids are signing up for recreational teams and jumping into more intense teams or groups.
We all need to stop looking down on Rec (community level) sports.
I recently heard the quote “Before kids can learn to play like pros, they have to learn to play like kids”. Rec-level sports often promote fun and community, and remind kids why they enjoyed sports in the first place.
6) Don’t Let Social Media be Your Guide
Adam All-stars’ Mom posted his 5 championship wins, but little do you know that her son when 0-2 at a tournament last weekend. Oops, she just so happened to forget to post that.
Even in my most burnt-out stage, I was still posting smiley, happy pictures of my kids at the field. You can’t judge anyone’s life situation by social media.
No one besides Gramma cares if your kid is winning or losing so stop letting social media set standards for your family.
Remember: being overwhelmed and busy is not an accomplishment.
Final Thoughts on Trying to ‘Keep up with the Joneses’ in Youth Sports
If you are feeling deep down like the ultra busy lifestyle is not healthy for your family, resist the urge to push through for the sake of keeping up with the Joneses.
Sorry “Jones” family – I respectively decline trying to follow your lead anymore.
Actually, I feel like the courageous decision is to go against the grain, find balance, and slow down. Take the risk and emotionally invest in family time instead of chaos.
Are we making a mistake that can hurt our kids’ chance at future scholarships? Maybe. But can I live with it if it means focusing on building strong family roots? Absolutely.
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