To my child during 2020, please be patient with me.
In a stirring moment, I noticed that you noticed I was not paying attention to a word you were saying.
Although we were sitting together, distraction-free, my running thoughts rendered me mentally unattached to you.
You always wear your emotions on those big bright eyes of yours. On this day, you displayed an emotion that I hoped to never inflict on my children: rejection.
I am aware that it is not a worthy excuse, but my mind was elsewhere. It was wondering if we would be able to find essential items in the store next week, and if I can keep you mentally stimulated if school is cancelled, and if you are scared when you hear us talk about world events.
Please be patient with me. Call my name to pull me back when I am lost in my own mind. Your sweet story about what you drew in art class is important to me. Vitally important, actually.
In a disheartening moment, I noticed that you observed my increasingly delicate temper.
You braced for a verbal strike when you told me that you left your math folder in your desk at school.
Realizing that there is even an inkling of unease in our typically calm and loving home, is enough to break me in half.
These outbursts are not your fault. I adore your wild spirit, and understand that everyone make mistakes from time to time. You see, at the moment I lost my temper, I was struggling with my own sensory overload. I am trying to learn how to juggle all the new responsibilities that are overlapping in my life. I am worried that I am not doing enough to support you during these unprecedented times, and that makes me extra unsure of myself.
Please be patient with me. After I lose my temper and apologize, please forgive me. You could never do anything that would make me love you any less.
In a daunting moment, I watched you feel me pulling away during our family time.
You asked if I could lay with you before bed, and I lifelessly rattled off the list of chores I still had to do that night instead.
Regrettably, your disappointed, yet accepting expression made it clear that this was the response you had expected from me.
For a mom who prides herself in good old-fashioned family bonding, this was a brutal realization.
Somewhere in the last year, I must have lost my enthusiasm for motherhood. With this realization, comes a plan to rediscover my passion for motherhood.
Please be patient with me. Continue to invite me to play Barbies and superheros, cuddle with you, and make popcorn for a movie night.
In an awakening moment, I realized that no matter what I do wrong, you still look at me with loving and adoring eyes.
I, in fact, need you possibly more than you need me right now.
Wondering if this world is too scary for you is not a thought I ever imagined having.
You, my dear children, are at the top of every thought that crosses my mind. Although recent events have stolen my immediate attention, you must understand that with every single step I take, I have you in my mind.
I will make it my utmost priority to come back to living in the moment with you.
In the meantime, please continue to be patient with me.
Love, Your Mom Battling Through 2020
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