Moms, You Can't Have it All, and That's Okay
Ironically, the moment in my life when I realized I couldn't have it all, was the exact moment that I felt like I had it all.
You've no doubt heard the holy-grail-phrase "work life balance".
The word balance, usually gives off a calming sort of feeling. By definition, it describes when different elements are equal or in the correct proportion.
Work-life balance sounds like the perfect state of mind. I think of a see-saw, where on one end rests all of my work-related responsibilities and on the other sits all of my home-related responsibilities.
That cute, little imaginary see-saw is, in fact, bull-crap. Once I had children that see-saw was violently tipping in different directions at all times, and it felt anything but balanced.
Although I am sure that there are superstar mothers out there who find ways to balance it all, I am willing to bet that they are in the minority. Most of us can't run fortune 500 companies while maintaining an active voice in the school PTA.
This fictitious balance feels impossible to obtain.
Let's Stop Talking About Balance
If we want to be successful working mothers, we have to stop thinking of life as a responsibility balancing act.
The see-saw analogy depicts a scenario where if you focus on one aspect (let's say work), then the other aspect will suffer (home or family). While in extreme circumstances that is true, it makes me feel a little out of control.
I don't like to feel out of control.
Instead of trying to achieve a Work-life balance on that annoying see-saw, think of it as a work-life spectum, which you have full control over.
Now, of course your children will ALWAYS be your top priority in life, but when it comes to other responsibilities, where do you want to focus your extra energy?
For example, when I went back to work after having my first son, I was far to the left on the below Work-Life Spectrum (all the way by the sneaker). I went to work to earn money to raise my son. That was it.
As my three children got older, I had more ambition for work and I crept up past the middle point on the spectrum (by the flats). I started to travel for work, and I was more engaged in my work-related projects.
To be a happy and composed mother, you must decide where on the spectrum you lie and adjust your life accordingly.
Why Does This Mindset Make a Difference?
When you decide where you want to lie on the Work-Life Spectrum, then you have power over your priorities.
Obviously, there will always be the risk of some conflict between your work responsibilities and your home responsibilities, but you have to think of these scenarios as trade-offs, not battles.
For example, you may have to leave a meeting early to see your son's soccer game. OR, you may decide that your meeting is important for your career and you can attend his next soccer game.
Either scenario is not right or wrong, it is about you making the best choice for you and your family.
As a working mother, you can't do it all. The thing is, that is okay. Your family, most likely, isn't suffering while you are at work. If you come home feeling fulfilled and happy, that will benefit everyone.
Give yourself grace.
Related: 11 Working Moms Explain How they Overcome Their Biggest Challenges.
Tips for Easing the Internal Tension
It may take some time until you start to see the conflicts between work and home as gentle trade-offs instead of brutal battles.
This may sound silly, but it is okay to lower your standards a little. Do not feel like a failure if you are not getting promoted at work or baking cookies for the school bakesale.
The best way to redirect your focus is to simplify your life. Below I have 5 quick tips you can start today to take back more time in your life.
For more details and 5 more ideas, read 10 Simple Ways to Simplify Your Not-so-simple Life.
Final Thoughts
Throw out that lopsided see-saw analogy, and adopt my Work-Life Spectrum idea. Decide where you lie and always remember:
You might not have it all, but that is okay!
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I think it is important to have the compassion with ourselves. I love your idea of easing the inner tension and simply understanding that all that we want sometimes is simply not what we believe we want 😛
Thanks for those great tips! It is SO difficult to do it all when you're dealing with a lot...
Balance is so hard during life changes! Thank you for sharing these tips!
There just never seems enough time in a day to do it all. Thanks for these useful tips.
Its is so hard to find balance in our lives. We are all so busy just trying to make it!! Very good article.
This is really good and I will recommend it to my mom to read this. It's true, sometimes we can' have it all and that's not the end and don't need to worry about it.
Balance is hard but if you know how to multitask it can be work thanks for this wonderful tips it would help a lot!
Unless you have a perfect life (which let's be honest, who has?), it's almost impossible to have balance in your life. There is no "now the work times ends, family time starts", no matter how much we want that.
So important to maintain that balance between work, life, and time for yourself!
I agree, it really has a lot to do with what works for you and your family. It's all a learning process!
i work from home and am always working it seems. it's not easy but i'm trying to find a balance.
This was very useful to me even though I'm not a working mom, but I totally get what you're saying. I love the take-away that it's trade-off's not battles.
This is an important topic for working mom (whether at home or out of the house -- all moms are working). You have to decide where you are comfortable on the spectrum -- what works for you and your family. Thanks for sharing!
Balance is one word I am making sure that I focus on this year. Thanks for sharing this beautiful post.
I been reading a book now that says the same thing about: there is no work-life balance. And the author says you need to seek a trade off in various ways like trading off with your partner or getting up earlier.
Wow! I need to track down that book. Thanks!
What an interesting read. Great one.
A work life balance is very important. If you dont have balance you will be off balance for your work and home life it will collide!
As a working mom this was very helpful for me. It's true you can't do it all. Very interesting concept about work life spectrum.
You have a great way of putting everything into perspective. Loved reading it!!