Learn the root cause to your people pleasing behavior and what you can do to hold your boundaries, be more assertive and live authentically.
Have you found yourself replying “no worries, either way” when you are, in fact, worrying about both ways?
Does the phrase “no, thank you” feel like a foreign language to you?
Would you listen to a door-to-door salesmen talk for an hour about something that you clearly are not going to buy – just to avoid hurting his feelings?
According to a 2022 poll, more than half of all women consider themselves a people-pleaser. That means if you are hanging out with a friend there is a good chance that one of you – if not both of you – live with the people-pleasing mentality.
So, even if you aren’t the one in constant nervous system red-alert mode, then you surely have experience tip-toeing around that nervous friend or family member who will never tell you how they really feel.
The Hard Truth About Your People Pleasing Mindset
The truth is: you aren’t nice.
Well, you may be nice – but that is not what is driving your people pleasing behavior.
If you were pleasing everyone out of the good of your heart, then you would feel the most rewarding bliss each time you shut down your own needs for others.
The fact that you reading this tells me that is not you. And that is okay!
There is another reason why you are stuck feeling the need to make sure everyone around you is happy, fed, and warm – even if you are miserable, starving, and freezing.
Let’s dive into this now.
Related: How to Avoid Raising Another Generation of People Pleasers
The Root Cause Behind People Pleasers
Under all the emotional layers, people pleasing comes down to one thing.
People-pleasers are trying to regulate OTHER people’s nervous system in an attempt to calm themselves.
It is more of a trauma response or avoidance than kindness. You are actually manipulating other people’s situation to make yourself feel at ease.
Let that sink in for a moment. Deep down you feel that if you can make everyone happy around you, then you don’t have to deal with people who are unstable, upset, or every just slightly uncomfortable.
Now, the cause of this type of response could vary between people, but can include:
- Past trauma – giving you the feeling that love was conditional and based on how other people felt about you
- Oldest child syndrome – the oldest child may be more likely to people please because of the extra responsibilities and the pressure to be a good role model for younger siblings
- Lacking certain emotional skills – people pleasers may have never been taught skills such as conflict resolution or setting boundaries
- Mental health conditions – conditions such as anxiety and depression may lead people to put their own needs aside to prevent any further conflict
Regardless of the reason behind these tendencies, the first step to recovery is understanding that it isn’t “nice” to put yourself aside all of the time. And you aren’t being “kind” if deep down you are holding onto resentment and anger.
5 Ways to Recovering from the People Pleasing Lifestyle
There are 5 changes you have to make if you want to begin your recovery process.
1) Heal Past Traumas
I list this first because it can be the most challenging.
Take some time to think about or journal if there are any reasons that lead you to develop your people-pleasing tendencies. (note: it is okay if you don’t have any! not all people-pleasers had a trauma).
Whether it be childhood trauma, relationship issues, or something else – it is time to identify the reason why you developed this response so that you can start to make sense of it.
Related: Journal Prompts for Anxiety
2) Develop Set Boundaries
A driving issue in people-pleasers is the lack of clear boundaries.
It is crucial that you start to create clear boundaries in your life. For example, if you are too busy – you must say No to things. Or, if someone hurts you then you must speak up.
This article will help you develop boundaries: 5 step people-pleasing recovery plan click here!
3) Learn to be Assertive
Assertiveness refers to speaking your own mind, while still respecting the feelings of others around you.
To demand respect is to tell others, “You will respect me or else.” However, to command respect is to have others observe and admire your actions without threat or consequence.
You are a strong, intelligent person – and it is time that you treat yourself that way.
These tips will help people of all ages learn to be more assertive.
4) Focus on Your Authentic Self
You are trapped in a box that you have accidently created for yourself. The box includes your job, your duties, and your roles.
However, there is so much more to who you are!
Take some time to explore hobbies, focus on our faith, return to our roots, and practice self-love. Then, you will remember that you are an amazing person.
When you start to live authentically you realize that you are not just set on this earth to work and serve others. You deserve happiness, too!
5) Start Making Lifestyle Changes
Ain’t no-body got time for all the people pleasing.
I used to love photography. Until I had friends start to ask me to take family pictures for them. Of course I said yes. And of course I never charged them for it.
Suddenly, I was doing 50 photography sessions a year – afraid to say no – absolutely hating the thought of my camera!
It is time that you cut out unnecessary activities, toxic relationships, and duties that make you miserable.
Final Thoughts on People Pleasing
Now that we went through this hard truth it is time to make the over-due changes.
Remember, people pleasing is not “being nice”.
It is a response that manipulates others so that you can feel more peaceful. But the problem is – you don’t feel more peaceful, do you?
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